Transfer jibba-jabba: everybody wants into the crowded light

The Time: Friday, August 29, 2008
The Place: David Gill's Office, Old Trafford, Manchester, England, The World, The Universe

Hello? Hello? Oh! Gus Poyet, you old so-and-so! How are you? How are things in North London? Weather's just brilliant up here, they're saying we might hit 68 today. Absolutely gorgeous. So how are things?

Hm? I'm sorry? You want to talk about what? You're going to have to enunciate a little more clearly, Gus, that accent of yours is wreaking dreadful havoc with my old ears... oh. OH! Berba-TOV! I'm sorry, Gus, I thought you were offering me some kind of Hungarian dessert platter or something, yes, Berbatov. Let's talk about him, definitely.

Well, Gus, I'd say that yes, we're definitely still interested. We're in the hunt for seven trophies this year, can you believe it? We're going to need all the help we can get. And you boys, well, you've just got a bevvy of top-class frontmen, haven't you? Hm? Sold Keane, you say? Oh, that's a shame. Twenty million! Why, Gus, you dog! That filthy mick wasn't worth NEAR that! That's a right quality bit of business there. Kudos. Well you've still got that chap, plays for England... Defoe, right? Top quality man, there. Sold him too, you say? Portsmouth? No! You know, now that I think about it I DO remember seeing him. I've lost track of how many times we've played the old Pompey these last weeks, honestly. Seems every other damnable week we're up against ol' 'Arry, doesn't it?

But you're still looking to offload Berbatov, are you? Well, Gus, we'd be happy to oblige. What kind of price were we thinking?

Twenty-eight million quid? Gus, are you sure? Could that be... what does my assistant call it... oh, right, could that be a "typo," Gus? Because I could have SWORN that we talked about this once and I have to say, Gus, that my memory is very distinct that the number we were swatting around was more like twenty million.

You don't need to shout, Gus. We're all getting old, don't you know, but I'm only 51 and, yes, I am absolutely positive that the first time we talked about a deal the number was definitely nineteen million.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I see. Well of course you'll have to talk to your board about it. I understand completely. You should see what it's like here! Americans running the place, honestly, it's a shambles.

That's just great. Can't wait to hear from you again, Gus. Remember - eighteen million pounds and not a pence more! Righto, old man, I'll talk to you later.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Gus, old boy! So good to hear from you. Talk to the board, did you? Oh,well, that's fantastic Gus. So, Berbatov for seventeen million it is, then?

Gus? Gus, you really must learn to negotiate at an even keel. These outbursts are really unbecoming.

Yes, Gus, I know we've had this discussion before and I've told you time and time again that we would be MORE than happy to improve our squad at your expense, but I've also told you time and time again that we won't be held up, Gus, you know that. I told you the first time, fifteen million pounds is our rock-solid ceiling on this one.

Again? Do you really? Well, of course, I can understand that your board is going to need to have the final say, but we're men, aren't we? We can do business amongst ourselves, can we not? Of course we can.

I'll have our personnel people fax you the paperwork. Berbatov to us, fourteen million quid straight to White Hart Lane. Cracking bit of business.

Gus?

Gus? Hello, are you there?

Sunday, August 30, 2008

Hello?

(sighing)

Yes, Gus, hello. Spoken with the board again, have we? And what's the good word?

Fourteen million? Gus, are you taking the piss? You may have noticed but we're practically bursting with goalscorers. Old Dimitar isn't exactly a dire need at this point. We certainly can't spend any more than seven or eight million on him.

Well OBVIOUSLY I'm aware that Cristiano is hurt, but he'll be back, won't he? And Wayne, well, we don't need to say much about him, do we? Goals by the bucketful from that lad, Tevez too. And hell, if old Louie gets his ligaments right we expect big things from him as well. So you can see, Gus, that we're not exactly needing a quick fix up top right now.

I don't see why you need to say you're DESPERATE, Gus. Come now, isn't that a bit of an overstatement?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. No! It can't be as bad as all that, Gus. "Locker room cancer?" Those are awfully strong words, don't you think? That lad, plays the American game, Owen-something, they say the same things about him and his boys were doing all right, last I heard.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, Gus, I have to be honest, if he's as much trouble as you say I'm not exactly that keen on him anymore. For a player like that I really can't see us splashing out much more than, I don't know, three million? Seems about right?

Gus? Gus? What's that banging noise? Sounds distinctly like a head on a desk.

Yes, yes, I'll be waiting by the phone tomorrow. Look forward to it.

Monday, September 1, 2008, 12:30PM GMT

Yes, Gus, always good to hear from you. You've accepted our two million quid offer for Berbatov, then?

Later this afternoon, you say? We can certainly hold off until then, but isn't that cutting it -

Hm. He hung up.

4:48PM GMT

Yes, Gus, how's every little thing? I've got the funds transfer all set to go, just have to hit this button on my keyboard and a delightful little half-a-million-quid package goes rushing over to your account! Well, nothing actually rushes, it's all electronic, you know. Not like the old days with briefcases full of bank notes anymore, is it, old man? Ha ha ha!

I - what? Well, yes, I can hold. How long? Well I'm going to need to get dinner between now and then, Gus, so why don't you just call me back when it's all settled? Fantastic. Talk to you then.

11:05PM GMT

I say, Gus, are you sure about this? You want all of them? Are you ABSOLUTELY sure, Gus? I mean, I'm hardly a qualified expert on the matter, but I've spoken to some of the young lads who are far more intimately involved and they tell me the last two, well, they just aren't up to snuff with the rest. You're sure? You're sure you're sure?

Well, if you're sure, then let's be on with it then. We're faxing the paperwork now, just get the signatures you need and we're all set!

11:48PM GMT

Okay, Gus, I've got all the paperwork, signed, sealed and delivered. It was fantastic doing business with you. I think we both really made out quite well on this one.

Say, Gus, it's awfully late, are you going to be able to sign another striker in time? Well I know there's less than a quarter hour left, but surely you've got folks in the pipeline, right? How would you PAY for someone else? Well, Gus, we feel that we've more than adequately compensated you lot for Berbatov. And besides, you're a big club, right? Cash to spare and all that? Surely you'll pick up a handy replacement.

I have to say, it's getting on and I really need to get some sleep. However much I can get, ha ha! No rest for the wicked, eh?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Gill turns to the back page of the Guardian. The headline reads SPURS SELL BERBATOV TO UNITED FOR COMPLETE SET OF X-FILES DVDs. The subheadline: FANS INCENSED, SAY SEASONS 8 AND 9 AREN'T THAT GOOD.

Gill lights a cigar.

I love a good shakedown.