England Prevails: How to win and suck at the same time

When I first started going to the Dark Horse to watch football, one of the Philly Blues, let's call him... say... "Bill of Philadelphia" summed up being a Chelsea fan with the words "this team gives you heartburn." I am pretty sure I have moved well past heartburn and into full-blown ulcerative colitis. Being a Chelsea fan has wreaked havoc on my digestive system. It wouldn't be quite so sad if I weren't willingly doing it to myself.

What other way is there to describe what happened at the JJB this morning? We were there, ready to go - at 8:30 AM AGAIN goddammit - if slightly tired at the ungodly hour and three minutes in Deco scored an absolute blinder of a wonder-goal. That shit will wake you up QUICK.

The Boys In Blue Who In This Instance Were Actually Wearing Black (those shirts... so pretty... I must have it... my precious...) proceeded to then alternate between doing their best to annoy viewers to death and doing their best to annihilate their fanbase through massive simultaneous cardiac arrest.

Let me say straight out: if I could watch Chelsea do nothing but grind out ruthless, heavy end of the hammer 1-0 wins for the rest of eternity I would do so. 1-0 is only boring when it's not your team doing it. A boring win is, at the end of the day, just as good as a beautiful win. You get no points - quite literally no points - for style. Don't believe me? Ask Arsenal what style is worth. How you win is, in the end, largely immaterial.

What we do not repeat NOT endorse, however, is grinding 1-0 but occasionally deciding throughout to say, "ah, you know what, fuck it, let's see what happens if I just stand here for a while."

I mean, seriously, you're telling me we can't shut down Wigan? WIGAN? Seriously? Not just not shut them down, even, but have to FIGHT for a win after scoring three minutes in? Give me a goddamn break. Hey, Nicolas, you didn't want to play out wide anymore? Okay, here you go, the center. Now if you would be so kind as to FUCKING RUN SOMEPLACE!

In addition to bouts of transient near-terminal laziness today saw the return, Big Philly-style, of "The Mourinho," aka the substitution of Joe Cole for no readily apparent reason. This time it was for Salomon Kalou, a striker who by all appearances cannot place a ball into the ocean.

Today was surely the luckiest three points Chelsea have earned in quite some time, and after last week's flashes of brilliance it is discomfiting, to be sure...

In other Premiership News:

FUCKING SPURS LOSE TO SUNDERLAND, STILL SUCK - Dateline: North London - Losing at home to Sunderland and still sitting on donut points makes selling Keane and trying to sell Berbatov that much more hilarious. Oh, look who you play next week. That zero will get so big you'll be able to float down the fucking Thames on it like an inner tube.

REMEMBER THAT BIT ABOUT STYLE EARLIER? - Dateline: the teensy part of SW6 - Fulham 1-0 Arsenal. It's not often the joke and the punchline are the same thing. The Arsenal scoreline: 20 shots, 1 on target. We have a phrase for that in the United States. We call it "high school soccer practice." You're supposed to be better than this - start acting like it.

RELYING ON LATE WINNERS NOT A GOOD IDEA - Dateline: Merseyside - It's August, so I guess Liverpool's "title challenge" is still on. The over-under on their collapse this year is October 4, ten bucks a toss. Get your bets in now.

WORLD SHOCKED, ASKS "WHO ARE THESE GUYS?" - Dateline: all over - Teams tapped in preseason to be among the worst in Premiership history: Hull, Stoke. Teams currently with more points than Manchester United: Hull, Stoke.

Middling Champions League action this midweek - though I will be keeping a close eye on Anfield Wednesday afternoon - before the draw on Thursday. Thank you, European football, our savior and reason for being...